


Glass

by DivineVarod



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Back to Earth, Depression, Goodbyes, Letters, M/M, Self-Worth Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-03-05
Packaged: 2018-05-24 17:34:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6161191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There is no use in hiding from pain when the pain of hiding becomes too much."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Glass

Dear Listy,  
  
Emotions are hard for me. They were beaten out of me first by my father then by years at boarding school. Emotions were seen as weakness, crying especially was punishable.  
  
I am not telling you this to ask for your pity. I am saying this to help you understand.  
  
I can't be like you or how you'd want me to be. I can't discuss my feelings the way you can. I cannot express emotion when there are others present. I cannot tell you the things I so desperately want to say. All I can do is remain silent and keep everything bottled up.  
  
Every day when I see you; chatting to Kryten or joking with the Cat I feel as if I'm cut of from it all by a layer of impenetrable glass. I'm always there but I never feel as if I'm present.  
  
I long to be part of the banter, the hugs, as if I were just like you. Sometimes you look at me and I hope, hope you'll invite me in your arms. But you never do.  
  
I know why, I caused it myself over the years. I created a rift between us. Because of the fear. Fear that I might betray my true feelings if I got any closer, fear of being laughed at, fear of being hurt again. So instead of reaching out I push away.  
  
Maybe it's because I really am a coward – not that I want to be. It is the only way I know how to survive. I learned this the day I was old enough to think: The only way to be safe from pain is hide. So that is what I do.

The only thing is, Listy: I don't think I can keep this up much longer. There is no use in hiding from pain when the pain of hiding becomes too much.

I know everyone thinks I'm cold, that I don't care. That is how I try to come across to mask that deep down … I care so much it hurts.  
  
Because I care I know that I have to go. It is the best thing I can do for both of us, for all of us. The only thing I can do.  
  
Don't worry it is not your fault, I thought about this for a long time and it is what I want. I can't stay when I know I'm tolerated but not liked or needed. I can't go on seeing you every day and not being able tell you what I really feel and what I have longed for all those years. Even now I can't.  
  
Most of all, though, I'm thinking of you Listy. Right now you are better off without me and my depression and my issues.

The Despair Squid we met two days ago showed me the truth. The one thing I always hid from myself: I am failing you.

I was brought back to keep you sane and these days I don't think I do anymore. I am giving you nothing. Because there is nothing left. Just overwhelming, unbearable, emotional pain - a feeling beyond despair. There’s nothing I can do to make it better, to make it go away, and it's affecting all of us. You always try to be kind but I can see I'm wearing you down. The others will probably be glad to not have me around being a burden and spoiling their fun and they'd be right.

Isn't it hilarious that a Squid that fights back by showing you a world filled with all that makes you happy would show me endless torment? But then again what else could I expect? The Squid reads your mind and with me there is not a lot of joy it could find, so it probably showed me the only way to find peace instead.

So, there we are then Listy, Dave. I hope that in the future you might think of me once in a while: Our adventures, our fights, our late night conversations. They might not have meant much to you but to me they meant more than you will ever understand.

Well, I hope I atleast did a good job at keeping you sane in the first years. If I did that means somehow I did one thing right.

Goodbye Listy, it was good to know someone who cared someone who maybe I could think of as a friend.

  
\---  
  
_“Rimmer I need ya!!”_  
  
A pounding on the steel door.  
  
_“Rimmer, let me in!!”  
_  
“What?”  
  
_“So you are there, ya smeghead? Ya coming? Kryten found a new derelict and we need to check it out. We voted: you're in charge!”_  
  
Arnold J. Rimmer sighed and stared at the words he had just written. He looked at the lightbee in his shaking hand, his finger hovering over the “Terminate” button.  
  
He sighed again, shook his head and let the bee go. He wiped his eyes then quickly tore up the piece of paper.  
  
“Coming!”  
  
Outside the door Dave Lister sighed with relief. Now all he needed was to actually find a derelict within the next five minutes.


End file.
